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IBM Mastery book

Books | P8010-034 Study Guide and real questions

chapter one

realizing men's Passages

knowing men'S PASSAGESDISCOVERING the brand new MAP OF guys'S LIVESBy GAIL SHEEHYRANDOM residence, INC.

it's a man thing

    It has historically been assumed that age is kinder to guys than to ladies. My analysis over the past eight years has revealed a spectacular reversal: many men 40 and over are having a harder time today making a delightful passage into the second half of their lives than are most girls. Why?

    women feel pangs over dropping their early life.

    guys believe dread.

    "it's the dread of losing potency!" says my friend Fitzgerald. "it be imagining your self as an actor onstage who has lost his voice."

    There are some inevitable adjustments as they tramp the journey of life. guys continually hit them as they would a brick wall--and then might also fall aside. in the event that they knew what to expect in improve, it could assist them to master these alterations and make the most of them.

    The point of this booklet is to support men and their partners to outwit the inevitable adjustments ahead. these days, notably for guys under 50, the timing of marker routine--finishing faculty, first grown-up job, marriage, parenthood, empty nest, retirement, golden years--has became out to be unpredictable. What a man is supposed to do, and when, is not clear. it's both enjoyable and disorienting, like sailing for a new world however wondering if you will drop off the edge of the historical one first. The maps and charts are all out-of-date. Any man who feels a bit misplaced is rarely on my own.

    step one is to take into account the passages that men go through after age 40, and then to find, inside the new map of guys's lives, tips on how to shuttle these new passages for your self with superior focus and a passport to renewal. Even on a subject as threatening as "male menopause," the information is good and getting stronger. it's steadily becoming recognized as a mindbody syndrome this is perfectly ordinary, common, treatable, and often reversible. Pharmaceutical companies are racing to present men perpetual virility--through popping a tablet. As instant and compelling as is the challenge most guys have with how their sexual performance might possibly be littered with growing older, there is tons extra involved in restoring vitality and virility than placing more lead returned within the pencil. mind-set matters at least as a lot as bodily adjustments. The complete gamut of reasons and the excellent armamentarium for fighting male menopause are spelled out later in the e-book.

    Why single out guys? it be not as radical a departure because it might seem to be; I even have been writing about the predictable and unpredictable changes of grownup life for each sexes when you consider that the e-book of Passages in 1976. however after twenty years of probing the psyche and decoding the affect of cultural shifts on each sexes, I faced a humbling admission:

    guys don't take into account girls, but at the least they comprehend it. girls don't take into account guys, but they do not understand it. Does the following speak sound at all common?

    "what is wrong?"

    "Nothing."

    "Why may not you seek advice from me?"

    "What about?"

    "About why you seem to be so down."

    "i am simply tired."

    "however you simply sit down round staring at tv. sometimes, that you may get the most tired from doing nothing."

    "i'm now not doing nothing! There are issues I must feel about."

    "It looks such as you've come to a point on your life where things are changing for you. How does that make you consider?"

    "or not it's just whatever you must move through."

    "i would want to help. may not you confer with me about it?"

    "what is there to claim?"

    "what is it you want out of existence? just make up your intellect and be straight with me."

    "I don't know what I need."

    Most of us have had such conversations. i do know I even have survived a few of those making an attempt-to-support-however-simplest-making-it-worse dialogues. The presumption amongst girls is that they comprehend what is wrong with their guys, and that they could repair it if best guys would listen. however do many ladies in fact know what it be like for a person nowadays?

    Milton Glaser, a legendary photo artist and a sensible and cherished friend, made this observation of the cultural lag between the genders: "women are constructing a brand new belief system; a brand new manner of viewing existence is coalescing. Most men have no idea what's happening to them. They do not need any thought what to agree with in. For a lot of us, the values they grew up with have been subverted and changed. guys are astonished at this trade; they haven't formulated a response to it. it's a time when men are very, very uncertain."

    men may also no longer equate alternate with boom. frequently speakme, they associate change with loss, giving up, being overtaken, failing. It isn't considered as a favorable a part of internal growth and the highway to a brand new form of vigor. exceptionally within the first half of their lives, guys are rewarded for putting blinders on and pursuing their slender profession path: existence seems easy.

    "In my company life, i am all the time telling company leaders how important it's to step returned, analyze trends, see what the longer term might carry, and plan forward for it," says a brand new York public family members man, "but in my very own and career life, forget it." He expresses a male view as old as time: "I just keep moving ahead in a kind of dumb-beast manner, seeing the next probability and throwing my spear at it, taking my lumps and hoping everything will work out for me. whether as men we're hardwired to consider that manner or or not it's the constant procedure of socialization, they simply do not like to exchange."

    You may were rushing alongside the route you place on your twenties when, abruptly, the street turns bumpy. otherwise you hit a washed-out patch and cannot flow forward. Or the juice with no trouble drains out of your batteries. How do you recharge your self? exchange gears? Who do you flip to for help?

    It has become a cliche to assert that men do not like to ask questions. without doubt, this is no longer all the time actual. (My husband has stopped at the nearest fuel station to ask for directions at the least once.) however guys have not been taught to ask questions about their sexual lifestyles cycle or their fitness or psychological well-being. They do not think they have the time or want for such consultations--except catastrophe strikes. reviews show that guys make some distance fewer visits to doctors than women, and after they do go, they frequently don't ask any questions. under the silence and stoicism, however, most guys over 40 sense that the enjoying field of life is radically diverse from the world of their fathers.

    An financial revolution corresponding to the commercial Revolution is pitting mature guys in opposition t younger, laptop-savvy digerati. experience may also not count for as lots in marketplaces concentrated on the now. not only are new abilities demanded, for which a couple of generations--older baby boomers, the "Silent era," the world conflict II generation--don't seem to be prepared, however a unique angle is required. The suggestions of the online game between employer and worker have changed. You used to be capable of count on the company father--the farseeing, benevolent giver of rewards and reprimands. Now the employer is a digital father--amorphous, nonhierarchical--and you'll on no account be clear the place you stand.

    The ground of relations between men and girls has also undergone an earthquake of change. guys of the child-growth and previous generations were socialized, as boys, to expect a evidently prescribed position within the benign patriarchy portrayed in regular tradition by using suggests comparable to Ozzie & Harriet and leave It to Beaver. As young adults they were thrown off stability, ridiculed by means of the girls's circulation, and later pushed aside by using some tutorial activists as belonging to a continuum of "lifeless white guys." In core existence they discover themselves competing with a newly confident species of younger expert women. Add the power to remain youthful and demonstrate perpetual virility, and many of modern guys over forty are in crisis. If a person maintains playing by means of the old scoreboard and the historical timetable, he is more likely to strike out.

    in this climate of uncertainty, lots of of men have talked to me candidly about all kinds of forbidden topics: their concerns about getting older, the ebbing of genuine strength and athletic prowess, their fears of dropping their jobs and their fathers, the which means crisis they face at the midpoint of their lives, their envy of empowered working better halves, their need to be closer to their toddlers before they lose them, their preretirement anxieties, and the entire question of potency in all areas of their lives.

    most likely you under no circumstances notion these questions would situation you. you have not ever thought about no longer being young. a familiar entertainer turned into stunned the primary time lie went throughout the grocery store line and he checkout lady seemed all through him. still good-looking, though his jawline is now somewhat softened, he's less cocky and fewer confrontational; he seems to have calmed down and warmed up--qualities that might possibly increase his powers of attraction. Yet when they talked, he might focus handiest on the bad features of those adjustments: "You feel separated from adolescence on the same time you're feeling diminished in physical power and stamina; you birth being omitted with the aid of more youthful men; the intercourse is rarely as outstanding because it changed into; an incredible desire to be younger once again comes over you."

    once I ask guys in the event that they ever talk over these questions with their male friends, they almost always shake their heads: "No."

    Why not?

    "it's a man aspect."

    lots of the time they don't even focus on these matters with their wives, who are sometimes preoccupied with their personal midlife adjustments. After a lecture in Pennsylvania, i was stopped by using an lively-searching woman with a booklet bag slung over her shoulder. I began again to faculty in my late thirties," she spoke of. "i could have a good time my forty-second birthday by means of getting my diploma as a scientific social worker. My husband kept complaining, 'you are changing. Why? i am the equal man you married twenty years ago.' Bingo! that is the motive we're getting divorced."

    The husband probably thinks that ultimate the same, and hiding his emotions and frustration, is being manly. He may also believe stuck, even trapped, by using his financial obligations. He expects himself to be the identical company, the identical aggressive competitor he always became, anticipating his body to take punishment and burn fats and appeal to women the way it always did. however underneath the bravado he doubtless doesn't think the same thrill of the chase he did in his twenties. His total id is tied up with the reputation he has done so far. If he lets go even a bit, what else is there?

    He can't think about the way to change. Why may still he?

    When women in midlife go returned to faculty, birth new careers, or leave stifling marriages, for the most half they're exhilarated. despite the fact that their profits and standing is not as splendid as a person's, they derive superior satisfaction--because they all started with so a great deal much less. The guys they go away at the back of are sometimes resentful, even jealous, having probably helped to finance a former spouse's emergence into the fame of "being my very own grownup" on the fee of their personal revamping.

    Linear reasoning is likely to guide a man to think, "as soon as I obtain certain things, then i could be satisfied." but it surely is not handiest titles and material accomplishments that remember. And when those exterior achievements fall to supply that means and joyfulness on schedule, men develop into pissed off. perplexed. angry. And ashamed to admit it.

    This male malaise has no identify. it is a gloomy continent. Most guys don't admire--or refuse to accept--that they proceed to go through diverse tiers during their adult lives. And few men I actually have studied are even aware that important new passages still lie ahead--after forty. These crossroads demand a full stop and a pause to seem to be inward. They existing a person with an opportunity to stretch and growth, or to lock in and regress. it's indispensable to let go of a little handle right through these times of passage so that an historic shell can be sloughed off and space made for a yeasty, multidimensional "new self" to develop.

    Transitional durations are all the time unsettling, for anyone. but a scarcity of focus makes it more doubtless that a man may slide into depression and do all forms of self-damaging issues. more commonly than no longer, men don't seem to be even conscious of being depressed. They begin slipping down the cliff, inch by means of inch, whereas clutching frantically for anything to hang on to or easily numbing themselves to what seems like an inevitable descent down the again aspect of existence.

    This ebook items a brighter outlook, in keeping with research with state-of-the-art new men. it's guys in center life who've the foremost probability to turn into masters of their fate--enhanced enthusiasts, more desirable fathers, more true to themselves and their personal values, freer to specific their feelings and recreation their creativity, greater influential, more collaborative, more spiritual. They want most effective competencies and a intellect open ample to acquire it.

    but time is operating out! no longer almost as quickly as you believe. in reality, the middle years are the stage of competencies optimum neatly-being in the lives of suit trained americans these days. You do not agree with it? believe some facts:

ARE YOU prepared FOR yet another existence?

We reside through the highest quality miracle 'within the historical past of their species--the doubling of existence expectancy seeing that the commercial Revolution. lower back when the USA changed into established, existence expectancy at delivery stood at most effective about 35 years. by using 1900, it reached 47 years. probably the most magnificent traits of the 20th century has been to stretch the lifestyles cycle via an average of thirty years--greater than the full gained over 5 thousand years going lower back to the Bronze Age! an additional shock of good news on lifestyles expectancy looked 'in September 1997 'within the new york times:

In 1996 alone, American men introduced six months to their lifeexpectancy and reached a new high.

    That become based on an evaluation of U.S. vital statistics with the aid of the facilities for disease control. The average male lifestyles span is now 73 years. it is additionally catching up with the feminine existence span (now an average of 79), as the variety of AIDS deaths and the *incidence of heart ailment and melanoma decline. Between now and the yr 2030, the share of individuals over age sixty five will basically double. And this may be true, even sooner, far and wide Europe.

    excellent, you can also say, but when an extended existence span capacity spending years with my bulb dimming and my physique falling aside, overlook it. they all seem to be to their fathers and moms as mirrors of their own getting old. these are miscues in many techniques. When their folks became 50, they notion they have been old. They notion they had been ancient. considering 1950, unimagined advances were made in medication; and, more pertinent, public health training in the course of the mass media has triggered profound alterations in very own behavior. americans in core life nowadays have a really diverse existence profile from that of their fogeys, who have been anticipated to show off their mental engines in their fifties. They did not dream of working marathons or gulping down hormones to maintain them randy unless their eighties.

    people are maturing past, bodily, but taking longer to develop up emotionally, and a good deal, plenty longer to develop historic. For the core courses, adolescence is now prolonged except the end of the twenties. Their First adulthood most effective begins at about age 30. someplace around the midforties they enter an incredible passage into what was once a fairly staid, if no longer stagnant, core age.

    Yet they seem to be more reluctant to grow up than ever earlier than. Of the a whole lot of guys over forty whom I even have interviewed, most trust they are 5 to ten years more youthful than that imposter whose photograph someway slipped inside their passports. these days the midpoint of adulthood is not any longer necessarily forty--it's extra like 50.

Fifty is what 40 was once.

    when you are a man now in his thirties, forties, or early fifties, you could alter your lens on growing old. Beneficiaries of the increase in guys's fitness, biotechnology, and brain analysis, you belong to a species unparalleled on earth, a species whose existence span will robotically extend into your eighties and nineties. This capacity you have to put together for the possibility of a further existence--beyond the typical roles and responsibilities--since the years from forty to eighty or ninety provide you with an entire new playing container: what I name your "2nd maturity."

    In 2nd adulthood you begin to study that fulfillment In lifestyles is not in a result of easily racking up points on a single scoreboard. somewhat, there are a number of different scoreboards--as son, mate, father, friend, colleague, mentor, community smart man, benefactor. The critical innings of 2nd maturity are neither performed via the same guidelines nor scored in the same manner as a younger man's game. but most guys are so focused on profitable within the first half, they continually omit the signals that can put together them with a successful method for middle and later life.

    Gary Markovitz, as an instance, became an outstanding soldier. Having served in Vietnam and again to faculty to train as a technocrat, he had defined himself for seventeen years totally inside the context of his business. "When individuals asked me what i am, i was an IBMer," he admits. "no longer Gary who labored at IBM, however an IBMer."

    with the aid of his midforties he started to ask yourself if his batteries had been wearing down, however it failed to happen to him to wonder what else he may get pleasure from doing. He heard about his company's buyout offer whereas on a enterprise shuttle to San Francisco. originally he had no pastime in it. however on the airplane experience home he found himself pondering a pal's fresh funeral. the person had come up during the ranks at IBM with Gary and had unexpectedly handed far from melanoma.

    Gary discovered himself ticking off, finger by way of finger, simply how many people can be counted on to demonstrate up for his personal funeral. He did not get very some distance. What value did he have outdoor IBM? He idea about his oldest son, who became already 25. earlier than lengthy, there can be a grandson sitting on his knee. innocent and adoring, the boy would ask him, "Grandpa, what did you do this intended whatever?"

    I made money.

    "It didn't flow the grandfather verify," Gary determined. "I may well be doing better issues."

but i am not capable!

a person in his late forties in a Minneapolis audience expressed a standard problem of men: "supply it to me straight. Do I ought to lose energy as I grow older?"

    On the contrary. The power of mind, rooted in adventure, most effective increases as they meet the predictable crises and accidents of life and find their resilience. an entire new stage has unfolded within the middle of existence: the "Age of Mastery," a bonus stage from ages forty five to sixty five. The passage from First to second adulthood and into the Age of Mastery basically transforms the conception of power.

    baby boomers want a ebook to their middle life. Theirs could be a manufacturer-new experience, filled with surprises. four out of every ten American adults belong to the baby-boom technology, which, in accordance with my research with the USA. Census Bureau, need to be divided into two subgenerations. The cutting edge can be known as the "Vietnam technology" (born 1946-1955). this is President Bin Clinton and British top Minister Tony Blair's technology, which they describe as being amazing in ideals but indifferent to the historical ideologies. Boomers now of their early forties to early fifties got here of age anticipating that every little thing would at all times get more desirable, and for many of them, it did. The spirit of the sixties formed their utopian consciousness, and vestiges of that spirit are nevertheless with them, tempered by using the cynicism of the times.

    The more youthful half of the boomers--the "Me technology"--came of age within the 1970s (born 1956-1965) and ignored a whole lot of the idealism of the Vietnam era, however concentrated more on own development. They dreamed of achieving the completely balanced life and accordingly proceed to put off taking over most of the duties of full adulthood. but they are far more tolerant of egalitarian marriages, homosexual partnerships, single parenthood, and other social experiments. both halves of this dominant era have always been tremendously individualistic and consequently irreconcilably divided. however on one issue they appear to be in total agreement:

Boomers do not accept middle age.

    Boomer men do not see themselves as growing old. and that they definitely do not expect any alterations in their height sexual performance--it may well occur to different guys, however now not to me. Yet secret doubts lurk, and a single episode of slackened sexual ardor can carry the query: is this the beginning of the dreaded falling off?

THE need to KNOWAND THE fear OF figuring out

In lectures according to my remaining ebook, New Passages, one query is all the time certain to come up: "Is there a male menopause?"

    there's a necessity to grasp and an equally weighty worry of understanding. once I first became aware of the phenomenon, the evidence from guys turned into peculiarly anecdotal. Six guys sitting round a midtown long island bar after work--virile sales managers and successful dealers--all of whom appear to be backing up the hill from their midforties toward the amazing divide at 50. they have a couple of drinks, and, within my earshot, one brassy boyo challenges the leisure: "tell the fact. How again and again have you ever faked being asleep when your wife receives into bed with a glow in her eyes)"

    every man laughs. Then a crevice falls open within the dialog. the person within the energy tie who posed the question reaches out for a lifeline: "I mean, would not that turn up to you guys?"

    sure, Mr. Winkle doesn't want to drink," another man says, chuckling. The leisure chime in, inserting off the problem on overwork, stress, having a few too many.

    but these occasional factors do not do much to light up the mystery of why so many guys in core life regularly lose their vitality and virility. They see somewhat older friends change from being bullish, buoyant, and decisive into being down, depressed, listless, and lustless. They ask yourself: Will it turn up to me? Of direction, being men, they refuse to discuss it. At most, the field is couched in jokes and jibes.

An older man is running down the highway when he hears a frogtalking. The frog says, "if you opt for me up and kiss me, i could turninto a good looking girl."

the man picks up the frog and places It Into his pocket.

"are not you going to kiss me?" the frog complains. "i'll develop into a wonderful lady and you can have me all you want."

"i'd somewhat have a speakme frog in my pocket."

what is going on? Are they speakme conveniently about growing old? yes, however additionally about a larger problem to a person's view of himself--an identifiable phenomenon with physical, hormonal, psychological, and sociological add-ons--it truly is now trendily referred to as "male menopause." "We don't yet have a time period for this 5- to 12-12 months length of midlife in men, but they know it is shared by way of both genders," acknowledges Dr. Eliot Sorel, president of the area association for Social Psychiatry and scientific professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at George Washington university faculty of medication.

    It quickly grew to become obvious to me that if menopause is the silent passage, male menopause is the unmentionable passage. It is only as primary as the ending of the fertile period of a lady's lifestyles, because it strikes at the core of what it's to be a person--the issue a person has all the time counted on to bring him pleasure, the factor that has worked for him lots of of instances, mindlessly, like a laptop, by way of himself or with any number of companions, the source of his fantasies, the sword of his dominance, the very root of his evolution as Homo sapiens--his youthful sexual force and performance.

    within the April 1993 situation of conceitedness fair, with Sharon Stone on the cowl stripped to the waist and cupping her naked breasts, my male editors allowed me to publish one of the crucial first full discussions of the subject: "The Unspeakable Passage: Is There a Male Menopause?" Ever seeing that, men and women had been speaking privately to me about this difficulty devoid of a correct identify. Interviews with more than a hundred men between the a long time of forty and 70 about this discipline published that the majority have been shunted from the urologist to the psychiatrist to the surgeon and ended up completely at a loss for words. I have additionally observed the work of some two dozen medical certified during this slender field who look at and deal with guys over forty plagued by some diploma of sexual dysfunction *in mid- to later life. while the broader medical institution nevertheless by way of and big ducks the field, the mass media additionally continue to be wary of touching the subject, and that i found why.

THE EIGHT-HUNDRED-POUND GORILLA

sooner or later in the fall of 1996 I got a call from a dynamic young producer on the severe CBS magazine display forty eight Hours. Chuck Stevenson had read my work on male menopause and interviewed some medical consultants, and he desired to place collectively a piece about guys in core lifestyles in sexual crisis. Chuck changed into simplest forty one. a little young to be pondering male menopause?

    "basically, i am discovering the area charming," he observed. As he noticed it, "The precursor to guys's midlife disaster is reduced sexual skill, which then triggers all these various psychological feelings."

    i used to be delighted with Chuck's enlightened approach. He and correspondent Erin Moriarty came out to do the interview in the garden of my domestic in Berkeley, together with a 3-man production crew.

    For the interview, Chuck desired to touch on "technical menopause--that small percentage of guys who really do not have the testosterone."

    What I truly desired to discuss became no longer the small percent of guys who're already so incapacitated they could are seeking surgical relief My subject is the entire middle range of guys who don't know what's general and who, when their sexual habits or performance adjustments, become so embarrassed or ashamed that they pull away from any intimacy. On camera, I described the most commonplace scenario:

The longer this issue is still unstated between a couple,the greater mammoth it grows, except there's an eight-hundred-poundgorilla within the bed room. no person mentions it for sixmonths, two years, five years; in the meantime, the pair stopshugging, stops maintaining hands, stops touching altogether,strikes to separate beds, to separate rooms, and ultimatelyseparate lives. They turn into estranged in all types of intimacybecause of this sexual shutdown.

When the shoot become over, I requested the producer how the piece can be titled and promoted. "this is going to be the hardest aspect for us," Chuck Stevenson admitted. "How do they make this segment circulation with out scaring off guys? They can't say 'midlife crisis' or 'alternate of existence.'" sooner or later, the segment changed into titled "Undercover," which become inoffensive however meaningless. Nothing changed into left in concerning the eight-hundred-pound gorilla. Chuck acknowledged that the piece didn't work. The motive, he told me with feel sorry about, became the large sensitivity of senior community executives to letting us talk about impotence.

    but it surely turned into the response of the television construction crew that proved the most interesting. mainly, a camera crew tunes out whereas filming and simply focuses on doing its job. while they discussed the male menopause, these three men blanched and reddened, however they hung on to each observe. After the capturing they stuck round to speak.

    i needed to hear about it," one of the most cameramen referred to candidly, "however I do not need to talk about it."

    "It became hitting too near home for me," admitted one other crew member. He become in his forties and dwelling via divorce hell. She become the one who left. "What truly must be stated is the indisputable fact that when a man has a midlife sexual disaster, americans commonly say, 'or not it's all for your intellect, snap out of it.'

    "but it surely's definitely a part of the natural course of movements," one of the crucial cameramen tried to reassure him.

    "that's appropriate," noted his colleague. "i can see now where you could get that rhinoceros on your bed room, or anything you called it-"

    "An eight-hundred-pound gorilla."

    "Yeah, and blocks could kind."

    "That made feel to me, too," mentioned the cameraman, "because when communique breaks down in a wedding, it be all long gone." abruptly his colleague had an Aha! moment--a type of little epiphanies that abruptly throws a floodlight on what one's lifestyles is in reality about.

    "it's what came about in their marriage! no one basically talked about the gorilla. They simply grew more and more apart. I don't suppose like it become my fault. i used to be doing my obligation, doing what i was purported to do. i was just ready it out. She obtained bored with ready, and it happened rapidly--the wedding fell aside."

    Doing one's responsibility and not speaking in regards to the inner fall down of 1's total concept of oneself is an all-too-regular "manly" stance at midlife. This publication is supposed as a pleasant e book out of such useless ends. No man should still squander his valuable lifestyles "simply waiting it out." And once he discovers the exciting new map of guys's lives, laid out right here in information as well as many residing examples, he may still be lured to explore new continents of creativeness and journey under no circumstances earlier than dreamt of by using past generations.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- (C) 1998 G. Merritt enterprise All rights reserved. ISBN: 0-679-45273-7 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

CONTENTS

author'S notice.......................................................XI ACKNOWLEDGMENTS....................................................XIX half I: WHAT DO guys desire? Chapter One it's a man factor....................................three Are You organized for a further existence?...........................eight however i am not in a position!..........................................eleven The need to recognize and the worry of understanding....................13 The Eight-Hundred-Pound Gorilla.............................14 Chapter Two the new MAP OF grownup existence..........................17 The spouse's Nightmare........................................20 What to Do with All This Leftover life?.....................22 half II: FLOURISHING FORTIES Chapter Three WHY DO I still believe LIKE a kid?..................27 The vanity crisis...........................................29 A Flagrant Freedom..........................................32 the daddy-Son Midlife vigor battle.......................36 if you Comin' home, Son?..................................37 The useless Father.............................................38 The Midlife Delinquent......................................41 Chapter four MANHOOD ON TRIAL..................................forty five Yuppie enjoying trap-up.....................................46 Banker "Excessed" at home...................................47 the only real Breadwinner's Insecurities.........................forty seven The Idealist's Angst........................................forty seven a hard Time to Be a man in His Forties......................50 Confronting the "False Self"................................fifty two Are You What You Smoke?.....................................53 "The huge inconceivable"........................................fifty five The Reluctant Father........................................fifty eight First Fatality Jitters......................................60 moving Up the Mortality Markers.............................sixty three Honor amongst men.............................................sixty four Manly sports: more than just a video game.........................sixty six current Manhood models......................................sixty nine Chapter 5 MARRIED AND MORTAL................................78 The Aha! moment.............................................78 The coronary heart of the count number.....................................eighty one The Stonewaller's protection...................................85 The trouble with better halves......................................88 part III: FEARLESS FIFTIES Chapter Six PASSAGE TO YOUR 2nd adulthood...................ninety five The Samson complex..........................................ninety seven Mature Masculinity.........................................100 Former professional football famous person...................................102 Geezer in Graduate faculty..................................103 Globe-trotting Journalist Turns Gardener...................103 The Fearless Professor.....................................106 beyond power...............................................108 Barry Diller's look for Self.............................112 Prospero's Passage.........................................116 Welcome to the Age of have an impact on............................118 Chapter Seven REDIRECT YOUR existence before THE HAMMER FALLS......121 The dark evening of Joe O'Dell...............................122 harmful Defenses.......................................one hundred twenty five The Comeback of Joe O'Dell.................................127 they will by no means fire Me......................................128 The Rebirth................................................131 The Window of probability..................................133 Midlife cash Realities....................................135 What might Spook John Wayne?...............................136 hand over "i'm the massive Shot".................................137 building a group............................................139 Opening the spiritual Dimension............................141 locate Your passion and Pursue It............................a hundred and forty four Chapter Eight LOVE AND war WITH other halves, FATHERS, toddlers......146 From Competing to Connecting...............................147 Gender Crossover: consolation or disaster?.......................149 teaching the coach.........................................151 Withholding sex............................................155 The protection web wife........................................157 Making the Crossover Work..................................160 mind-sex adjustments..........................................161 Mellowing Out..............................................162 Empty heart................................................163 Mr. mom....................................................164 Father hunger..............................................166 Letting Go of a transforming into Son................................167 what number of guys pals are you able to count?........................169 The Nest Is Empty--Are You ready for Love within the Morning?...................................................172 half IV: WHO'S petrified of MALE MENOPAUSE? Chapter nine THE MALE SEXUAL existence CYCLE.......................177 Magical Expectations.......................................178 The Male Sexual lifestyles Cycle.................................181 The Unspeakable Passage....................................185 guys Behaving Intelligently.................................189 intellect over Manliness........................................191 Chapter Ten secrets and techniques OF PERPETUAL VIRILITY.....................193 Would You rather Have Steak and a Smoke Than Be a Sexual Athlete?............................................194 Magic Bullets..............................................196 When Sunday-Afternoon football Is superior Than sex..........198 Free Testosterone!.........................................200 DHEA: a person's grasp Hormone...............................202 Chemical Machismo..........................................202 Couples Work...............................................205 The Testimonial woman......................................209 Teaming as much as find the correct treatment.....................210 part V: INFLUENTIAL SIXTIES Chapter Eleven PASSAGE TO THE AGE OF INTEGRITY................215 secrets and techniques of well-being within the Sixties.......................216 Imagining the Paul McCartney Retirement domestic...............219 don't Retire! Redirect!....................................220 looking on your Postcareer career.........................222 His and Her Retirement Fantasies...........................224 Chapter Twelve growth VERSUS DESPAIR........................227 The Black Tempest..........................................229 don't back Up, severe Tire hurt!.........................231 assist isn't challenging to Get....................................233 i'm not Having a coronary heart assault!............................236 Absorbing the Blows of destiny................................239 half VI: WHAT maintains a person young? Chapter Thirteen UNCONVENTIONAL knowledge........................243 Do men have to Die sooner than girls?.....................245 Unretired Champions........................................248 starting to be and Regenerating brain.............................251 religious hunger...........................................253 Love within the Twilight of lifestyles...............................254 A Lusty wintry weather.............................................255 APPENDICES APPENDIX A.....................................................259 dealing with Job Loss.......................................259 suggestions for Surviving Job Loss in core life...........260 materials: profession Counselors...............................261 APPENDIX B.....................................................263 components: Couples therapy.................................263 APPENDIX C.....................................................264 searching for a doctor/Male health health facility...................264 resources: Physicians and Therapists for Sexual health concerns..............................................265 APPENDIX D.....................................................267 Preretirement Couples workout routines............................267 APPENDIX E.....................................................268 Warning indications of melancholy................................268 BIBLIOGRAPHY.......................................................269 INDEX..............................................................275

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